Mognet should have learned from ACWW

Final Fantasy III's attempt at wi-fi connectivity is needlessly frustrating compared to a similar feature in another DS game released nearly a year earlier.

The Mognet system the game uses to add side quests and multiplayer functionality is clunky and annoying, mostly because of the on-screen, touchable keyboard. It seems Square-Enix could have easily mimicked the standard QWERTY layout in Animal Crossing: Wild World.

As it is, the letters are arranged alphabetically and segregated by capitalization. The punctuation and special symbols are collected on a second page, along with—the space bar?! That's right, for those of you traditionalists who like a space between each word, you have to switch to the second screen, tap the lonely underscore-looking key near the bottom, then switch back to your precious alphabet. Could Square want all of America to start using CamelCase?

I understand the desire to retain the classic blue-and-silver-menus look Final Fantasy has become known for (right behind chocobos, airships, phoenix downs, spells ending in -aga, anime hairdos, prerendered cutscenes, and rereleases), but surely it would be possible to keep that look while giving the English-speaking world the QWERTY we're so used to.

[Images courtesy GameSpot and Square-Enix.]

Nintendo aims to destroy English

When Nintendo revealed the true name of their Revolution, everybody focused on its potential for crass humor. While this is admirable, a new trend has arisen, and it looks like this one could cleave the language asunder.

Beginning with "Wiimote," the online community has done an astounding job of creating portmanteaus around the name Wii. I've been guilty of it myself, and it got me wondering if there's a collection of Wii portmanteaus out there. Having found none, I started my own list:

• Wiimote
• Wiierd
• Wiitastrophe
• trageWii
• Wiimpressions (really, Thomas?)
• Wiities (Miyamoto's on the box)
• sWiit
• DWiiD (the free DVDs some retailers were handing out)
• liit (from the archaic "1337")
• Wiingrish (as in the crappy post image)
  

It's enough to make a linguaphile Wiip.

We'll be adding to this list whenever, so if you use a Wiirific concoction not posted yet, please let us know about it.

The spellchecker hates me so much.

Wiimpressions

I finally got a chance to play with a Wii, and quite frankly, it's as awesome as I ever wanted it to be.

The game of the hour was Wii Sports, and it gave me a chance to show what an uncoordinated schmuck I am. We began by bowling, which was probably my best showing. The controls are simple and intuitive. It's pretty much like actual bowling, except I can't drop anything heavy on my toes. That counts for a lot.

The baseball and boxing games were more difficult for me, especially since as a short person the Wii interpreted all my actions as being pretty low. I got in a few gut punches on boxing but couldn't really guard my face well enough to be worth anything. Baseball was pretty much one foul after another.

Golf took some getting used to. It's imperative that the player try not to flick the Wiimote too hard, as the console interprets this as a much harder stroke than was meant by the player. Of course, the entire thing could be done sitting on a couch with a series of wrist flicks, but I agree with Tycho and Gabe on this one.

The most popular game of the evening, and my favorite, was probably tennis. The inability to control where your character actually is can be a bit distressing, especially in doubles, but the game is immensely satisfying. Your stroke is determined by the way you swing the Wiimote, and that means you don't have to think too much about hitting B then A in rapid succession as in other tennis games (Mario Tennis, I'm looking at you). It's all a matter of timing. The urge to run around the room is distracting, but that's all in the fun of it.

As a completely unbiased journalist, I have to say that the Nintendo Wii is the single greatest invention known to man, and I intend to sell a kidney for one around New Year's Day.

Wii collateral damage mounting

In addition to shipping with Wii Sports, reports from around the country indicate Nintendo's console comes with danger at no extra cost.

Broken televisions, bruised loved ones, old football injuries flaring up again—has anyone trademarked "Wiitastrophe" yet?

Some admitted fanboys have gone so far as to create a site devoted to collecting stories of these, well, let's call them trageWiis.

Has anyone in the area had a similar problem? What have you done about it? Any local retailers willing to replace snapped Wiimote straps?

[Image courtesy Mayo Clinic.]

Found: DS Download Station

We've returned from traditional Thanksgiving activities like gorging on bird meat and conversing with family members, and I have something to be thankful for: After giving up the search, I finally found a DS Download Station in Knoxville.

I've been looking for one of these for at least a year. It seems PictoChat is the only DS main menu option I use less than Download Play, and I was excited when first I heard Nintendo was taking advantage of this feature to demo games, as I rarely buy a new game these days without trying it first. But with local retailers not having a station in-store, the big N wasn't helping anyone reach into my wallet.

I've heard of retailers not putting one up because of the lack of floor space in those cramped mall stores, but come on, it's a wireless signal. Stash it in the ceiling and tape a sign to the wall; I'll show. Best Buy doesn't seem to have the same claustrophobia issues, however, and they put the station at the end of the DS/GBA aisle. The games listed on the sign don't match what's available, though.

Demos:

• Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis
• Elite Beat Agents
• Clubhouse Games: Darts
• Clubhouse Games: Turncoat
• Danny Phantom Urban Jungle
  

Movies:

• Star Fox Command
• Spectrobes
• Star Trek: Tactical Assault
• Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day
  
• Big Brain Academy
  

Editorial comic courtesy of Eric Moore

Local blogger a motocross failure

While Thomas was crowding the aisle with his five-button jam session (from which the whammy bar was curiously missing), I was rocking and rolling in my own way on the PS3's MotorStorm demo. My previous impressions notwithstanding, this game was fun. I got to be a voluptuous female biker in a tight-fitting suit who likes to race her tiny, green bike against huge, mutant dune buggies.

The Sixaxis controller was mounted to the display stand, limiting its mobility, but I was able to determine what shifting one's weight midair via the thumbstick could accomplish: booty waggling in HD. I can only surmise that were I able to tilt the controller, exotic dance would commence.

The environment problems were still there, but the indefinable "fun factor" made up for occasional uglies in the Grand Canyon-like track. The game almost encouraged reckless acrobatics off the track's abundant cliff faces by switching to slow motion and not penalizing the player too much for experimenting with gravity. The driver's ragdoll physics were almost too much.

One minor feature I kept over-hyping to passersby was the mapping of accelerator and brake to the now-analog R2 and L2 triggers, respectively. Slowing down for turns felt more natural than slamming on full brakes or coasting. None of the strangers in Wal-Mart seemed to care about what I viewed as a critical success, but then again, I was practically reviewing the game aloud as I raced.

I finished in the top 12, but only because there wasn't a thirteenth racer there to pass me.

I look forward to getting my hands on the game again, but I hope Random Stoned Guy will cheer my busty biker babe to victory—or at least to her spectacular death—next time.